Toddlers!
by David Hallamshire
Jan 99
Approx 25,000 words.
This book is a comedy book suitable for 7 to 10 age group but adults will love it! It has never been published by a main stream publisher but is now for sale at www.lulu.com/hallamshire
Here are a few chapters as a sample.
Synopsis: Aliens develop a new weapon, so dangerous it can not be tested on their own planet. What is it? It is a humanoid robotic toddler which destroys everything in its path. A combination of slap-stick, situation comedy and scfi-fi silliness.
UPDATE!: This is now a Trilogy! Such was the popularity, there are now THREE in the Toddler series (check out www.lulu.com/hallamshire )
(Interesting note: This story has been read in a Junior School lunch time reading club. It was such a hit that the children sent me some wonderful illustrations for the book, which I've included below. They obviously have great taste. A special thank you to Sue Standring, who read the book to the kids.
So thank you to everyone at the Bookworm club at St Ambrose Barlow school, Astley. Twenty three children, laughing hysterically, can't be wrong. Click on thumbnail to see full picture. (Go on DO IT! They're brilliant!)
TODDLERS! Chapter One |
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| ............... | Supreme Officer Vibrak, of the intergalactic
research ship, Warrior II, had gathered all his crew in
the briefing room. The crew of five, including Vibrak,
were all of different races, shapes and sizes because
they were from different planets, but they had been
brought together to work as a research team for this one
project. They'd travelled three light years to reach a
primitive planet called Earth and were presently orbiting
around it in their ship, so it was now time to reveal the
true nature of their mission. Supreme Officer Vibrak waited patiently in the briefing room as the rest of the crew entered and found their seats. He nodded a greeting to each one and waited until they were quiet. Next to Vibrak, on a small stand at the front of the room, was an object covered in a white sheet. The hidden item was nearly a metre tall and Vibrak stood next to it, smiling broadly as his spiky teeth and green tongue glistened in the overhead lighting. "Officers!" he said loudly as he rubbed his six fingered hands together. "The reason you have been kept in the dark about this mission for so long, is because what we are about to do, must be done in the utmost secrecy. We are soon to start testing a new and very formidable secret weapon." The four crew members looked at each other excitedly. "This weapon is so devastating," Vibrak continued, "that we were unable to test it on our home planet for fear of destroying our entire civilisation." The crew stopped smiling now and stared at the cloth covered object with interest. "That is why we are here, orbiting Earth," Vibrak said. "This is where we are going to do a controlled field test. Now I can see that you are anxious to see this new object of terror so I won't delay any longer." Vibrak pulled the sheet away with a dramatic sweep of his arm, to reveal the terrible weapon beneath. "This, is it!" he said excitedly. "In terms of energy in, to energy out....in terms of sheer brilliance...in terms of simplicity...this is the ultimate weapon. With enough of these weapons, we could destroy an entire civilisation!" The crew stared. Engineer Neel raised a hand with suckerpads on the fingers, and asked the question that the others were thinking. "What is it, sir?" "This!" Vibrak smiled. "This is a copy of a human, of around one and a half years old. It looks exactly like the biological ones on planet Earth, but is completely robotic and almost indestructible!" "A human toddler?" Neel asked. "Exactly. A robotic human toddler." "A baby human?" Officer Karren asked in disbelief. "Right again," Vibrak said briskly. The crew stared at the tiny machine. The little human robot stared back with unblinking eyes. It was a perfect model of a male human toddler, dressed in a red T-shirt, blue denim dungarees and red Thomas The Tank Engine shoes . It had a cute round face, adorable big blue eyes and a mop of blond hair. The Supreme Officer pointed at various parts of the robot as he talked. "Here, beneath the scalp is the central processor. It is a very simple neural-network with a very basic command algorithm that will ...." "Erm...sir?" Officer Karren raised her hand to catch his attention. "You forget that we are not all science officers, sir. Could you explain a little more simply." "Of course. Sorry." He pointed to the head again. "Here is the brain. The computer, if you like. It's a very simple type of electronic circuit. It tests for certain conditions and then acts on them, learning as it goes along. This particular one is a perfect copy of the thought processes used by the average human toddler. And let me tell you," he said and looked around the crew, smiling slightly, "although it is very simple, it is devastating! There are only three basic commands. Move, probe, test. Move, probe, test." He walked around the front of the toddler robot to point out its different features. "The designers have also added some clever systems that human babies use. They are simple but effective. There is a dribble mechanism here," he said as he pointed to the mouth, "to enable the toddler to dribble constantly, and also a snot mechanism here and here, to enable the toddler to have a permanently runny nose." He pointed to the mouth again. "In this opening is a probe, called a tongue, which can be poked into any small space. These features, combined with the toddler's in-built desire to pick things up and put them in his or her mouth is what makes this thing so terrible when placed anywhere near electrical equipment." He moved around the side and picked up one of the arms. "On the end of the utility arms are more probes, called fingers. Ten in all. They are small enough to be inserted into machinery, electronic apparatus, electric fires, video recorders, the backs of televisions and any other object the toddler is near. This often causes total system failure in the apparatus being probed. And here...an ingenious device that the scientists have added. This gland in the palm of the hand, discharges half chewed soggy biscuit at regular intervals, ensuring that the toddler leaves a trail of sticky goo wherever it goes and wherever it has been." The crew looked on in awe. They could see, even without any testing, that this thing could destroy an advanced civilisation if they were deployed in enough numbers. "Each weapon is also fitted with a primitive speech mechanism," Vibrak continued. "They ask repetitive questions, like 'Why?' and 'What's that for?' or they just babble, to confuse any humans that might accidentally come across them. And now a quick demonstration." Vibrak picked up the toddler and walked down the isle between the seats. At the other end of the briefing room, there was a bullet proof glass case, so big that it was almost a tiny room in itself. It was used for testing low powered explosives. Already inside the glass room was a television, a desk top computer, a t.v. remote control and a video recorder, all of which were switched on and working. Vibrak placed the toddler in the centre of the room and withdrew. He locked the safety door and took from his pocket a small control box. "Gather round everyone. Now just watch this awesome demonstration of destructive power!" Vibrak pressed a button on the control box and the toddler robot came alive. It blinked its cute eyes rapidly as if it had just woken up. It took an unsteady step, wobbled a few times, fell down on its bottom and then clambered back to its feet. It then tottered across the room very unsteadily until it head butted the television and fell down again. "It doesn't seem to be very well balanced," Officer Choon said. "It keeps falling over." "That's all part of its terrible power," Vibrak said confidently. "The toddler is designed to fall into things, over things, under things, wrecking everything in its path. It's truly amazing." The toddler found the remote control for the television. Like any very small child would, it immediately placed it in its mouth and dribbled all over it. There was a slight electronic crackle and a wisp of smoke drifted from the casing. The toddler discarded it, leaving it with a smear of snot, dribble and half chewed soggy biscuit all over it. "There goes the remote," Vibrak said and smiled happily. "You see the simplicity of it. Move, probe, test. Move, probe, test." The toddler crawled on its hands and knees, trying to chew the edge of the video recorder. It located the hole where the cassette goes in and poked its fingers inside. A moment later it fished out a tangle of tape and placed it in its mouth. It chewed on it, dribbling happily for a while and then became bored with this so it placed its sticky hand deep inside the machine. There was a loud bang and a puff of blue smoke rose from the casing. "There goes the video recorder." And then the toddler stood up, fell down against the television and knocked it off the stand. It suddenly found the television of great interest and tried chewing a corner of it for a moment before it located a small hole at the back of the set just big enough to get a little finger inside. A second later the television exploded with a loud bang and blew the toddler right across the room. "And there you have it. The television is destroyed," Vibrak said. "So is the toddler," Officer Kae noted. The toddler robot was lying in a heap. It's hand had been blown off and smoke curled in little wispy tendrils from both its ears. "True, But remember, it is only a machine and completely without feeling." "How do they survive?" Officer Kae asked. "Normally, I mean. How does a human toddler ever reach maturity if they're constantly trying to injure themselves by falling into things, sucking things and sticking their fingers into dangerous items." "The humans have adapted a special system," Officer Vibrak said importantly. "Each toddler has their own personal body guard, called a Mummy. It is the Mummy's job to be constantly on guard and ensure that the toddler reaches maturity. This requires a twenty four hour, round the clock, none stop monitoring of the toddler. This responsibility is often shared with a reserve body guard, called a Daddy who takes over when the Mummy wears out." The crew looked at the dead robot and then each other. "Incredible!" Second Officer Kae sighed in admiration. "It is remarkable, I agree," Vibrak nodded. "But anyway....Our orders are to test this new weapon and observe its awesome power. Obviously, it's not safe to test such an unpredictable weapon on any of our home planets. So that is why we are now orbiting Earth. We are going to deploy twenty of these toddlers, within a small area, and then monitor the results." Officer Neel raised a hand, or something very similar to a hand, but with sucker pads on the end of his three green fingers. "Sir? If they enter a building, how will we see what's happening?" "Each toddler has a remote sight and sound transmitter," Vibrak explained. "Although we'll have no direct control over their actions once they're released, we will be able to see what they are seeing and hearing by watching the monitors in the Operations room." "And when does the experiment end sir?" "The toddlers will spend some time probing and testing and destroying things," Vibrak said. "When we are satisfied with the results, I'll activate a homing signal and they will make their way to an open piece of ground at the back of a deserted factory, where we will pick them up." "But what if someone sees us sir?" Officer Karren asked. Vibrak smiled. His green tongue flicked out and licked his ear. "We will be using our invisible-ray cloaking device, so our craft will not be visible to humans." He looked around the small crew. "The Toddler Test, starts at, oh three thirty hours." Officer Choon timidly raised a tentacle. Officer Choon was a Spongy life-form and, even compared to the other crew members, was rather odd looking. He had dangly tentacles and pulsating lumpy bits all over his body. His seven eyes were in a row down the front of what might have been his chest. Or it might not. Tube-like things can be described as tubular. Circle-like things can be described as circular. Officer Choon was blobular. "That's er....What time sir?" Choon asked. "That's half past three o'clock a.m. Earth time." "Which is erm...." Supreme Officer Vibrak looked down and then started to count in a whisper as he worked it out. "That's.....exactly Shwart Bidoon and fifty Trabbles after Quart." The others all let out a sigh and smiled. "So....Prepare yourselves! We deploy the weapons, onto the roof of a local radio station, at exactly...." The Supreme Officer frowned. "Whatever time I just said." |
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